If I had a Low Drift Nozzle – Parody

Written by

Tom Wolf

in

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Key takeaways
  • Narrator celebrates John Deere sprayer's insect-killing run, scattering insects and murdering larvae, second time today.
  • Dismisses modes of action, rates, agronomists, and shiny tools, yet insists on calibrating the nozzle.
  • Graphic field margins scene: countless larvae and bertha armyworm victims sprayed with organophosphate, harsh and inhumane.
  • Vengeful refrain: If I had a low drift nozzle, I would make somebody spray, not hesitate, some CCA would die.

This text was generated by OpenAI GPT 5 Mini

Sung to the tune of “If I had a Rocket Launcher” by Bruce Cockburn

Here comes the John Deere sprayer — second time today;

All the insects scatter and hope it goes away;

How many larvae murdered only Dow can say;

If I had a low drift nozzle… I’d make somebody spray.

I don’t believe in modes of action and I don’t believe in rates;

I don’t believe in agronomists or their shiny steely spades;

And when I talk with the survivors of that crappy bran bait;

If I had a low drift nozzle… I would calibrate.

On canola field margins one hundred thousand wait;

Smash through truck radiators — or some less humane fate;

Cry for bertha armyworm, sprayed with organophosphate;

If I had a low drift nozzle… I would not hesitate.

I want to raise every chirp — at least I’ve got to try;

Every time I see them munching, with my compound eyes;

Situation desperate, echoes of the hoppers cry;

If I had a low drift nozzle… Some CCA would die.

About the Author

Tom Wolf

Tom Wolf is based in Saskatoon, SK and has 35 years research experience in the spraying business. He obtained his BSA (1987) and M.Sc. (1991) in Plant Science at the University of Manitoba, and his Ph.D. (1996) in Agronomy from the Ohio State University. Tom focuses on practical advice that is research-based to improve the efficiency of producers.

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Reference
Wolf, Tom. (2022). If I had a Low Drift Nozzle – Parody. Sprayers 101. https://sprayers101.com/low-drift-nozzle/ (Accessed on April 23, 2026 at 11:17)
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